Meet me in real life and I’m really not all that competitive.
You’ll probably beat me at Mastermind (unless the subject matter is Jurassic Park or Hans Zimmer’s musical scores), I have no doubt you can run faster and I never win a staring contest unless I blow in my components eye.
But when it comes to eating? Well, that’s another story.
I had first attempted the Slattery’s Chocolate Challenge back in 2015 with a goal to leave victorious on the eve of my 25th Birthday (trying desperately hard and failing to not make this story sound too much like a Rocky biopic).
Despite my best efforts, a heavy breakfast containing two types of carbs (a rookie mistake), meant I got real full, real fast resulting in my leaving, shamefaced and unable to claim the honour of making Slattery’s Wall of Fame.
Was I discouraged?
*crowd cheers “NO!”*
Was I disheartened?
*crowd cheers “NO!”*
Did I suffer a mild breakdown as a result of an intense sugar consumption?
Flashforward a year and a half later; I had made arrangements with a group of friends to return for a morning of fun, frolics and to claim back my dignity.
I was back, I was determined and I was without a waistband.
My first act of preparation for the Slattery’s Chocolate Challenge was to prep my stomach in the appropriate manner. Soothing tones and words of encouragement are good but similar to how a runner prepares for a marathon, I needed to warm up.
First, a light and fresh breakfast plate. Nothing too crazy, smoked salmon, tomatoes, avocado; it would be a grave mistake to let myself get too hungry before embarking on the challenge – all serious eaters know that’s a sure-fire way to wind up with indigestion a mere 4 bites in.
Then, a workout; nothing overly strenuous but an activity fuelled by the thought of the Wonka-esque feast I was about to embark upon.
Finally, it was time.
While you wait for your Chocolate Challenge to be constructed by the magic makers behind the scenes; you’ll have to tackle the Hot Chocolate as a part of the event, choosing from milk, dark or white – I opted for Milk to avoid anything overly bitter or sickly. Now many people would save this until the end – but sipping on that sweet nectar is actually a great way to hunger yourself for the impending diabetes – so glug it down in a timely manner.
The hot chocolate itself is extremely satisfying, save for the actual liquid itself being quite bland, the inclusion of the famous Slattery’s chocolate disk and melted chocolate rim help to make the experience oh so indulgent without being too filling.
Next up, the mother load.
Now, we all know it takes your stomach at least 25 minutes to realise it’s full beyond comprehension, which meant I had to work both stratigically and quickly. Knowing I first had to bring down the main component of this challenge if I was going to have any hope in claiming glory, I sank my spoon into the sumptuous slab of chocolate cake to kick off the proceedings.
The cake itself, is possibly one of the best chocolate fudge cakes you’ll ever be lucky enough to try. Rich, moist with eye-rollingly good velvet-like frosting; its the work of impeccable craftsmanship and best enjoyed by the loaded spoonful.
Whilst you’re knee-deep in cake deconstruction, chomp your way through the chocolate disks and take hold of the chocolate cups of melted chocolate before guzzling them down. A soothing, silky smooth welcomed break of textures, the chocolate is an oh-so creamy elixir, and will gear you up for phase two.
You’ve made it this far friend! There’s no going back now.
By this stage you’re probably feeling a little bit delirious, but that’s no reason to start taking your sweet time; it’s time to up the ante with alternate spoonfuls of ice cream and whipped cream added on to your bites of cake for an extra layer of naughtiness.
Now is about the time your friends should be playing motivational songs to keep your momentum; “Eye of the Tiger” and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” work surpringly well.
Other diners may also take this opportunity to stop by your table for a look-see as to how you’re getting on.
Their words of encouragement and badly diguised looks of horror should be used as fuel to help you finish.
If you’re starting to feel like you could nap, throw up and/or cry – congratulations, you’re nearly home!
As you cross the finish line, savour the moment of utter, gluttonous glory. Bask in the moment of how I imagine most Olympic athletes feel after winning gold, or how Bruce Bogtrotter felt after he consumed the entire confection.
Flag down a server and try not to look too smug as they snapshot your victory and deliver your prize.
Whether you’re looking to put yourself into a sugar-induced coma or have a craving to try out more of what Slattery has to offer, I highly recommend booking yourself in for a fancy.
With a shop stuffed with tempting tid-bits and an overloaded menu of morsels to appease both sweet and savoury appetites, it’s a popular place for food lovers far and wide; people book way in advance so be sure that you’re one of them – and hey! I might see you there on the wall of fame.